Los Santos Line-Up: ID ’Em All (3)

[D] Mrs. Phillips | Trevor's mom whose parenting explains everything and nothing simultaneously. Her brief appearance raises more questions than a conspiracy theorist at Area 51.

[C] Cletus Ewing | Hillbilly sniper who teaches Trevor to hunt, because Trevor needed more ways to hurt things. His dental hygiene matches his safety standards: non-existent but somehow still functioning.

[D] Steve Haines | FIB agent whose ego needs its own server space. His TV show is propaganda so obvious that even Los Santos residents, not known for critical thinking, see through it.

[A] Karim Denz | Getaway driver who gets better with experience, unlike most players' driving skills. His evolution from terrible to decent mirrors everyone's first playthrough.

[B] Dom Beasley | Extreme sports enthusiast whose definition of "extreme" includes basic physics violations. His final stunt proves that not all dreams should be followed, especially off cliffs.

[A] Taliana Martinez | Getaway driver you rescue from a crash, proving that even car accidents in GTA can be networking opportunities. Her skills make the rescue worth the medical bills.

[A] Rickie Lukens | Hacker who learned everything from movies, which explains why his first attempts work about as well as movie hacking. Gets better, unlike actual movie hacking.

[D] Gustavo Mota | Heist gunman whose military experience actually means something, unlike half the "ex-military" claims in Los Santos. Worth every penny, especially when things go sideways.

[B] Oscar Guzman | Crew member whose reliability inversely correlates with his fee. Budget option for when you'd rather spend money on explosives than competence.

[C] Maude | Bail bonds dispatcher who outsources violence to Trevor, showing impressive business acumen. Her emails are more professional than most Fortune 500 communications.

[C] Isiah Friedlander | Michael's therapist charging premium rates for obvious advice. His own issues make Michael look well-adjusted, which is therapeutic in its own twisted way.

[B] Ghost Dog | Character so obscure that remembering him should count as an achievement. His role in the story is like his name: mostly invisible but somehow still there.

[C] Cris Formage | Epsilon Program leader selling enlightenment at markup prices that would make pharmaceutical companies blush. His cult somehow isn't the weirdest thing in San Andreas.

[C] Leonora Johnson | Murder victim whose case spans decades, proving that Los Santos cops work on geological time. Her story is darker than Trevor's browser history.

[A] Devin Weston | Billionaire whose death options in the finale prove that money can't buy you plot armor. His yoga pants fortune built an empire of poor decisions.

[A] Eddie Toh | Serial killer who makes Trevor look like a mental health advocate. Finding all his victims is somehow less disturbing than his poetry.

[B] Norm Richards | Bigfoot hunter whose quest ends exactly how you'd expect in a game this unhinged. His determination exceeds his evidence by roughly infinity percent.

[A] Molly Schultz | Devin's assistant whose ending proves that airports are dangerous even without the flying. Her loyalty to Devin lasted longer than most players' loyalty to the speed limit.

[C] Wei Cheng | Triad boss whose son's incompetence makes nepotism look like a bad investment strategy. His translator probably edits out half the profanity.

[C] Hao | Street racer who only appears at night, like a automotive vampire. His races are the only illegal activity in the game that actually requires skill.

[D] Denise Clinton | Franklin's aunt whose feminist meetings sound more violent than Trevor's rampages. Her walking group probably has a higher body count than most gangs.

[B] Nigel | British superfan whose celebrity obsession makes stan culture look balanced. His accent is the only thing faker than the celebrities he stalks.

[D] Tonya | Tow truck dispatcher whose boyfriend JB is mysteriously always "sick." Their business model is basically Franklin doing unpaid internships with trucks.

[B] Abigail Mathers | Widow whose submarine piece collection is definitely not suspicious at all. Her grief lasts exactly as long as it takes to cash the insurance check.

[A] Daryl Johns | Minor character whose main achievement is existing in the same game as more interesting people. Still somehow more developed than protagonists in other games.

[A] Jimmy Boston | Character whose name you remember better than his face or purpose. His contribution to the story is like a whisper in a hurricane.

[B] Karl Abolaji | Party guest at one of the game's many terrible parties. His presence proves that even NPCs in Los Santos have poor judgment about social events.

[D] Agent Sanchez | Government agent whose job security depends on how badly the plot needs exposition. His clearance level is somewhere between "classified" and "convenient."

[C] Ursula | Hitchhiker whose rain-summoning ability makes her more supernatural than anything in Mount Chiliad. Dating her is basically weather manipulation with extra steps.

[B] Hugh Welsh | Character so forgettable that the game probably forgot to remove his spawn code. His existence is proof that Los Santos has a population beyond the main cast.